Chicken Soup for "Adoptive" Parent's Soul

Had to share a story from Chicken Soup for the Soul: On Being a Parent. It was a gift given to us just yesterday, and this was the first story I picked up and read. Of course it had me in tears, and now again as I typed it! But it helps to describe the hidden thoughts and secret fears that foster/adoptive parents have from time to time. When will be THE moment?

By Mary Chavoustie "Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul 2"

Joyfully, our adoption process was nearing the finale! In the beginning, I had supplied, verified and simplified every question and every fill-in-the-blank. But even then, amidst the facts and the figures, one lone and very specific uncertainty tugged at my heart. I thought about it when we attended our first welcoming seminar. I tried not to be obvious as I searched the faces of the other prospective parents - were they feeling the same uncertainty?

Finally, we received the long-awaited "call," and the next day a tiny baby was placed into my arms. That one nagging little fear was overshadowed by the sheer joy of holding my newborn son and naming him Eric. I considered it once again in the courtroom the day the paperwork became final. He was six months old, able to coo and giggle, oblivious to legalities or titles. Yet all the while I wondered. Where and when and how would he ask me the inevitable question: Are you my real mom?

I knew there were books and pamphlets explaining all the "right" answers to be given at all the "appropriate" age levels. I told myself I would read the scholarly information and wait my turn to recite the correct reply.

So I read and reread, but the security never came with the knowledge. Now I knew what to say, but would I say it right, say it so he could understand? What if the question came on the freeway while the two of us maneuvered in and out of traffic? Would I pull the car to the side? Would I ask that he wait till we got home and we'd talk? After all, a question so important could hardly be addressed between Thirty-second and Thirty-fourth Street.

Maybe he would ask me in the playroom of a golden-arched restaurant or as we exited his favorite movie. I would be prepared, I told myself. I would briefly, very briefly touch on conception and then even more briefly on pregnancy and then deal with the who and why of what came after that.

Would there ever be words that could explain it all? How could I make him understand that he grew in one woman's womb and another woman's heart? How could he know the anguish his birth mother felt on placement day as she held him one last time or the breathless joy I felt the second he was placed in the warmth of my arms?

One night as I was preparing dinner, tired from the day's lack of accomplishment and frustrated by the lateness of the hour, a small-framed three-year-old boy came and stood beside me as I stirred the mashed potatoes.

"Mommy," he said. "I have a question for you."
"Uh-hum," I mumbled out of habit.
"Mommy," he tugged at my shirt. "Mommy, I said I have a question."

"Okay, okay." I stopped and turned to see two bright eyes staring up at me. I knew something was wrong. He blinked, trying to hold back the tears, but they fell nevertheless. I bent down to him, forgetting the potatoes and the day. What mattered more than anything was the little boy before me. I held his chin in the cup of my hand and asked him softly, "What's wrong? What is so important to ask me that it would make you cry?"

No sooner had the last word left my lips than I knew. We were here. The moment had arrived, and I was as unprepared as the minute it had first crossed my thoughts.

"Mommy, Sarah says you aren't my real mommy. I told her she was wrong. She was wrong, right, Mommy?"

All the days of guessing and planning and memorizing, and I was speechless. I pulled him closer to me and wrapped my arms tightly around his little body. My son. My precious son. I wiped away the tears continuing to fall against his cheek. Then with a calmness I'd never before possessed, I held out my hand.

"Sweetheart, do you see Mommy's hand?"
"Uh huh," he replied as he bobbed his head up and down.
"Well," I slowly said, "go ahead and touch it. Touch my hand."
His tiny fingers stroked across my palm.
"Do I feel real to you?" I asked.
"You do!" he said as a smile broke across his face. He ran his fingers along my arms and then against my face and through my hair.

"Then I am your real mother, and my love for you is real. But there is another lady who loves you and is very real, too. She loved you so much she gave you life and let you grow inside her until it was time for you to be born and join Mommy and Daddy. She's called your birth mother, and one day we'll get to meet her. How does that sound?" I asked. I wasn't sure who the question was for, him or me.

He grabbed my neck and began to cover my cheek with kisses. I pulled him closer, the tears rolling down my cheeks. And then before I was ready to let go, he pulled away and off he ran to the living room, ready to play once more.

It had happened. I had seen tears that needed to be wiped away, and they had left with the stroke of my hand. I had seen a little boy who needed to be hugged, and I had given him the warmest, softest hug I could give. The question had been asked. And I had answered. I knew, in another time and another place, there would be other, harder questions but for now, I knew. . . I had done well.

I pray that God will give me such beautifully scripted thoughts and words when Isaac seeks answers to those tough questions. It is something often pondered, but always left in God's timing and in His hands. Even now, I like to use "His Story" as a bedtime story to tell as I rock him to sleep. Just the sound of my voice soothes him, but one day he will understand the meaning behind the words.

9 months old

Isaac turned 9 months old on July 7th. Though we have only known one another for 2 months. It is hard to believe. . . sometimes it feels like he has always been a part of our lives. Well, a lot of the time. There have been a few moments of tantrums or melt downs where I feel like I don't know him well at all because I don't intuitively know what is causing his anguish. Although the more I talk with other mothers it seems that all have moments such as these.


Two months ago it felt as if we were bonding well, but to look back from where we are now, it really magnifies the growth we have seen and felt in our love and dedication for this little boy - our son. And I believe that Isaac feels that same bond toward us. He reaches for us when he is troubled. He snuggles against our necks when a stranger talks to him. He feels free to let us know when he is unhappy, trusting and knowing that we will look to appease his pain (within reason, of course). He loves to laugh and giggle and we know what makes his giggles the loudest. For Eric it is a popping sound he makes with his mouth or "I'm going to get you" game. For me, strange as it may sound, it is saying the word "pillow" (for now anyway).

Through parenting this little wonder, I'm also learning alot about myself. My strengths and weaknesses. My need for Guidance. My need of a good night of sleep. My need for patience and understanding of others (beyond apathy). My need for quiet reflection, as well as, cuddles and face time. My need to stay fit as I lift, walk, and lug a fast growing little boy (who has FAST grabbing hands). Here are some pictures which say more than words.

Isaac wearing his Ethiopian hat.

Isaac swimming for the first time. He loved it! (and my sunglasses)

Just a good picture of our beautiful baby. The bear is from the Valentine Baby Shower thanks to Aunt Amelia.

Go Nationals!! In this, he favors his Dad.

Isaac is enjoying "big people" food. The bib is also fitting.

Jumping is his second favorite sport.

Standing like a "big kid" is by far his favorite.

Relaxing after a swim with friends.

Home Sweet Home

Eric and I bought our first sweet little home in March of 2007. We, well, Eric mostly, have enjoyed making it our own with creative little touches here and there. The other day, I was organizing our photos on the computer, and was SHOCKED by a photo of our house soon after we had purchased it. When had we taken out the front bushes and added shutters? When did it have that tiny little front stoop? Was the awning really green and white at one time? Our old doors used to look like that?!

Three years has made a difference, a little at a time. Eric has always said that when he reaches the end of his projects, we will be looking to move. :) In other words, there always needs to be a vision for "how can we make it better" and a project on the forefront. I'm definitely the "maintainer" and he is the "visionary" in our marriage relationship. Luckily we aren't the extremes, but it does make a fulfilling fit for the two of us.

Front of House 2007

Summer 2010 - After new bushes, raised bed, front porch, roof, shutters, and front door projects were all completed.

Backyard 2007

Backyard 2010

Shed 2010

My "Alivia Bushes" 2010 - Planted in memory of our daughter and a precious gift from family. Hydrangea and Knock-out Rose

Continuing the Journey

We just wanted to note some progress that is still being made in the on-going adoption process. First, we have received Isaac's social security card. . . however it has his "paper work" name "Tamerat Lehman" vesus the name we have given him. Secondly, Isaac also has his GREEN card, which came in the mail last week. His picture on it is so cute. It will be a neat momento someday. Third, we have secured a date for our COURT HEARING: August 26th at 10 A.M.

Due to our marvelous social worker, adoption agency and lawyer, the "re-adoption" process that we were so dreading, has been a breeze. We haven't even had to DO much of anything. What a blessing! I also have to admit, that having Isaac HERE makes almost any task bearable - the incentive is much more visible, I guess. We look forward to becoming an official family of three. Kind of reminds me of marriage. You make commitments, your heart confirms it, but the ceremony concretes it publically.
It just so happens that yesterday was also our 5th year Wedding Anniversary! Our love and understanding of one another continues to grow, and grow, and grow. . . .

A Tooth! and other wonders

Isaac has his FIRST TOOTH! We are so proud of this accomplishment. . . and relieved to know what his slight fever and crankiness was all about. Sorry, no pictures of it yet, as it is still quite hard to capture or see. His tongue often gets in the way, too.

Isaac has also learned to eat bread and not make a face, like I just fed him something poisonous. With all that he sticks in his mouth, why does something that is actually edible make him cringe so? It must have been a texture problem. But now he enjoys the challenge of picking up the tiny pieces and strategizing how to get them to his mouth and then successfully IN! This is such a joy to watch. How amazing is this role called parenting, that I am blessed by his simple pleasures and successes!

We also had Pose Photography (aka Selena Jetnarayan) take some family pictures. Selena did a marvelous job! She has a gift and talent that few can claim. Mostly they feature our little star, so please focus on him and not us. Here are a few samples for your viewing pleasure!

Sitting UP

Isaac has learned something knew this past week. He can now officially sit and play, without his parents having to wait 10 seconds for him to fall over. He LOVES his new found "independence" and smiles very proudly as he reaches and plays from his new perspective on life. Mommy is also glad he has found something that will entertain him for longer stretches of time. His muscle strength has improved immensely over the past 5 weeks; especially in his core and legs. He's growing up so fast! I knew this would be the case; and prepared myself for his "quick" development and growth. But it is funny. . . some days I look at him and he looks SO grown up. Other days I catch myself thinking how tiny and vulnerable he looks. It may have something to do with what he is wearing, or what he is busy doing (or not doing, such as sleeping). We can't help falling more and more in love with this wee one. He is such a complete joy and delight to parent and love.

Passion-Heart and Burden for Ethiopia

Last night Eric and I came across a wonderful documentary on public TV called "A Walk to Beautiful". It has added, yet another tear to my bucket labeled My-Heart-and-Passion-for-Ethiopia. God has continued to place these magnificent people on my heart and mind. Wonderful little reminders that He has begun something that is not yet finished. . .

I also had to google obstetric fistula, after watching the show, because it is something we (pregnant or expecting women) in the US never need to worry about.

The woman's story documented in the show reminded me immediately of the woman in the Bible who reached out in GREAT faith to simply touch Jesus' robe, in order to receive healing from a devastating life of being an outcast - due to continual bleeding. Jesus had such compassion on this woman. . . and it is contagious to the spirit in me. Join me in praying for, and lifting up these fellow women, who know hardship all too well.